You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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