yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
