Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
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Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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