she told me i tasted like america
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
