Sponge bath it is.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
