I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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