I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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