i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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