while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
