sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
