just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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