T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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