he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Drunk is not a location!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
