Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
