What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
