i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
