My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
