i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
