i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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