Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
