If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
