She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
