I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We got so high we made milksteak
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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