It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
