I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
