he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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