i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
