sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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