I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
