I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
