i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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