No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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