Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.