What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
