I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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