I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
