It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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