do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
