I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't deserve a penis
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
