The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
