How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
