Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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