I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
