Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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