Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
