Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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