I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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