i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
