Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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