I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
