I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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