I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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