Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
