I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
