I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
