drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
